smoking in my satin nightgown
red trimmed with black
it is cold
searching my headphones
for minor chords
songs about blackbirds
drinking water with lemon
wishing it was something
stronger
something with more poison
sobbing into a dented mattress
feel the boards in my spine
clenching my fist and
feeling the bones in my frail hands
writing by torchlight
aching in my chest, in
my rotting soul and
splintered heart
drawing faces in the dark
all i want is sleep, no
all i want is safety, no
all i want is freedom, no
all i want is nothing
Tonight I tried to tear my skin
Straight from my bones
But all that was under my fingernails
Were pieces of peeled paint
Tonight I tried to open my chest
To release the thing that lives inside me
But my skin is made of steel
And my fingers bled
Tonight my phone is silent
And a woman on the other line
Tells me
That you are unavailable or
cannot be reached
I understand, I say
It's how it's always been
Tonight the sky is exploding
And the walls are caving in
But I am scared to go outside
I am scared to move
Tonight I am alone
Wearing a robe, a bandage
Drinking a sad cocktail
And hating my love
Tonight I tried to run away
I'm a one girl car wreck
On a bridge to nowhere
My hair is limp and dull,
but dyed red to fool you into thinking
That I am blazing, confident
I bite my nails, tear my hair
Pick my skin and scream distortions
I'm not as pretty as you think
But you ignore the bruises and scars
I'm a fucking wreck baby
And I'll pull you down with me
I will drag you into the depths
but I can't help you back out
(unless you are here to save me)
I am not real
I am just that beautiful mess
That everyone wants to fix...
but no one can
I will make you cry and I will make you hurt
I'm a fucking whore but I'm a prude
Who'll use you just to feel lov
They all said "I want to save you"
And they swore "We want to be there for you"
Then they told her that she pushed them away
That they couldn't help if they didn't know
If they didn't understand
And she said,
"I never wanted you to understand.
I only needed you to listen"
Did you know I miss you?
And I hate that I don't hate you
It's such a fucking
cliche
And I miss not missing you
You were
Are
The brother who's not my brother
You were
A friend and foe in furious storms
Do you remember?
Smoking stolen cigarettes in stolen seconds
And you could read my like a book
That no one had ever read
Or at least you liked to think so
Do you remember?
Climbing through mirrors and climbing around heartache
But it
It will never be again
I went too far this time
I pushed too far, asked too much
And you'll never know
You left when I needed you most and
I will never
Forgive you
But I'd be your fri
I wish
To crawl inside my ribcage
And examine
What it is to breathe
I wish to hide inside my own chest cavity
Until I'm ready to live again
I will hold on to arteries
And slow my heart beat with gentle words
Inside my lungs
There are dust and cobwebs
(from not breathing deep enough)
and empty tanks of oxygen
(I appear to be running on empty)
I've heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just 'cheer up.' I wonder if they can really believe that it's that simple.
Depression isn't just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just 'has depression.' You suffer from it. This is depression:
You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It's likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you wi
smoking in my satin nightgown
red trimmed with black
it is cold
searching my headphones
for minor chords
songs about blackbirds
drinking water with lemon
wishing it was something
stronger
something with more poison
sobbing into a dented mattress
feel the boards in my spine
clenching my fist and
feeling the bones in my frail hands
writing by torchlight
aching in my chest, in
my rotting soul and
splintered heart
drawing faces in the dark
all i want is sleep, no
all i want is safety, no
all i want is freedom, no
all i want is nothing
Tonight I tried to tear my skin
Straight from my bones
But all that was under my fingernails
Were pieces of peeled paint
Tonight I tried to open my chest
To release the thing that lives inside me
But my skin is made of steel
And my fingers bled
Tonight my phone is silent
And a woman on the other line
Tells me
That you are unavailable or
cannot be reached
I understand, I say
It's how it's always been
Tonight the sky is exploding
And the walls are caving in
But I am scared to go outside
I am scared to move
Tonight I am alone
Wearing a robe, a bandage
Drinking a sad cocktail
And hating my love
Tonight I tried to run away
I'm a one girl car wreck
On a bridge to nowhere
My hair is limp and dull,
but dyed red to fool you into thinking
That I am blazing, confident
I bite my nails, tear my hair
Pick my skin and scream distortions
I'm not as pretty as you think
But you ignore the bruises and scars
I'm a fucking wreck baby
And I'll pull you down with me
I will drag you into the depths
but I can't help you back out
(unless you are here to save me)
I am not real
I am just that beautiful mess
That everyone wants to fix...
but no one can
I will make you cry and I will make you hurt
I'm a fucking whore but I'm a prude
Who'll use you just to feel lov
They all said "I want to save you"
And they swore "We want to be there for you"
Then they told her that she pushed them away
That they couldn't help if they didn't know
If they didn't understand
And she said,
"I never wanted you to understand.
I only needed you to listen"
Did you know I miss you?
And I hate that I don't hate you
It's such a fucking
cliche
And I miss not missing you
You were
Are
The brother who's not my brother
You were
A friend and foe in furious storms
Do you remember?
Smoking stolen cigarettes in stolen seconds
And you could read my like a book
That no one had ever read
Or at least you liked to think so
Do you remember?
Climbing through mirrors and climbing around heartache
But it
It will never be again
I went too far this time
I pushed too far, asked too much
And you'll never know
You left when I needed you most and
I will never
Forgive you
But I'd be your fri
I wish
To crawl inside my ribcage
And examine
What it is to breathe
I wish to hide inside my own chest cavity
Until I'm ready to live again
I will hold on to arteries
And slow my heart beat with gentle words
Inside my lungs
There are dust and cobwebs
(from not breathing deep enough)
and empty tanks of oxygen
(I appear to be running on empty)
I've heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just 'cheer up.' I wonder if they can really believe that it's that simple.
Depression isn't just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just 'has depression.' You suffer from it. This is depression:
You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. It's likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you wi
leavemedon'tleaveme. by Pretty-As-A-Picture, literature
Literature
leavemedon'tleaveme.
you make me sick. you make my stomach fold in on itself and press out against the lining of my flesh. you put lumps in my throat and you tie strings to my tear glands and tug until the world is just a panoply of blurred lines, hazy colour and bokeh.
you made me do this. you put the knife in my fingers and you told me to tear, you said you would care if i hurt myself like this. you said youd care if i opened my flesh up for you like a gift of blood and flesh and tissue. but you never really did.
i like being small, i like being the blue eyed girl sitting amidst background noise, rubber band arms holding the necks of her legs together.
regina-sleepdeprivation-fusion by moonaperuna, literature
Literature
regina-sleepdeprivation-fusion
Somedays
aren't yours at all;
they come and go as though their someone else's days...
Somedays
I wish I had cocaine...
To stay awake and accomplish all I need to do.
So many things in life I have to do.
Somenights,
I stay awake too long;
I endure and ignore all my body says.
I write deep into the night,
Writing things I write late in the night.
Writing things that I must write.
I've gone away,
Don't call me, don't write,
I've fallen asleep,
I can't make it tonight...
And Someafternoons,
I feel so tired.
I come and go as if I'm someplace else these days...
I can't remember very much at all:
I'm somewhere else today.
Somet
It seems to me
I have lost my words
Somewhere in the mess and dull lights
of this city
Perhaps I spoke too quiet
Perhaps I screamed too loud
Or I just don't deserve them
Maybe they ran
Like I ran from the tears
Until I stopped
Listened
And still no words
All this running has only left
My feet cracked and dry
And my lungs sore and tired
So I still want to scream
"It's time you stopped this"
I told them I don't know how and I won't
Until I find those words
That will arrange to spell what 'this' is
They will make you fall
With the weight from my stone heart
It suddenly becomes apparent
I have lost my words
They lost meani
I've stopped writing. I don't know what happened. I lost all my words. I wish I could write something again but I don't know where to begin. Life has been a little crazy lately. I'm still doing a lot of drawing but my internet is very unreliable so it's difficult to upload things.
Well I haven't uploaded anything in quite a while. Which is probably disappointed to all the people who have added me to their watchlist after reading my Depression piece. I am still amazed at how many people have commented and added it to their favourites. I'm hoping to start uploading some of my visual art again since my writing has pretty much come to a standstill and I've been doing a lot of drawing lately trying to build up my portfolio..and I have a scanner now. So I promise, there will be something new soon...hopefully writing this journal will make me do it.
Like the last few people, I don't know if you're still active or not. But I just wanted to put out there that your poetry has truly touched me and I connected to every word. It's as if you took out my soul and typed it out, but really I guess it was yours right. Anyways I'm sorry if this is weird but I love your writing and I hope you'll continue to do more and that your ok